I nearly didn’t write this blog post, scared of hurting or upsetting anyone who loves me and reads it. In amongst the rainbow colours of my life, the funny stories, the food, the pictures of my beautiful family, the reds, yellows, greens and pinks, there is grey. That grey is a part of me too and this blog would be a lie if I didn’t write about it.
On the school run today I am smiley, I am chatty, I am funny, I crack everyone up with my self deprecating humour. I am better, my blip before the half term holiday is done, I am no longer weeping as I walk the children to school. The teachers don’t have to usher me inside lest the other Mum’s see me break down in the playground.
I look in the mirror in the mornings and I look better. I pay attention to detail again, hair done, clothes matched, even a splash of blusher, a swipe of mascara. The children are happy, I am calm again, collected, fun and engaging.
Yet inside something somewhere is missing. I hate to even admit this, so scared of ruining my picture perfect ideal family notion that I carry around with me. So scared of people reading my blog and running scared when they realise that I am a fraud. That despite my beautiful family, wonderful husband, brilliant friends, it all feels pointless at times, and now I am in one of those times.
I feel like a cameraman with the camera always rolling, life always rolling. Watching the scenes, family play in the park, friends chat in the street, sun shines on my garden. It’s my life, my family, and yet, and yet it doesn’t seem to be touching me, the sun isn’t warming me, why?
I’m not desperately unhappy, it’s just that the cycle of life has lost its appeal. Wake up, eat, cook, play, sleep, wake up, play, chat, eat, sleep. On and on, the ‘big wheel’ is turning and I don’t understand my purpose on it.
It scares the heck out of me that after everything I have been through this is still an issue. After all the doctors, pills, therapies, support, even a few honest to goodness mental hospital admissions, I am not fixed. There is no new solution, no new idea to chase. That is scary, this is me, this grey visitor will keep returning, unwelcome, into my head?